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always surprises me at how many guys completely mess this up. Having
been married for 11 years, then divorced, I had to figure this out all
over again, with varying degrees of success. The most important thing
to remember is that there is no magic formula to get a girl to like you
back and much of it will come down to basic forces of attraction. That
said, provided there is a reasonable level of pre-established
attraction, I have some good news: it's actually pretty easy if you
learn some ground rules. Here are my basic rules for pursuing a girl I
Rule #1: If she's in a relationship, don't pursue
her. If you really, really like her, become friends with her. The laws
of attraction don't apply to friends and you can become friends with
anyone if you're a nice person. It's very important that you don't ever
make the first move with a woman in a relationship. You need to show
her that you respect her relationship. If she's unhappy and attracted to
you she'll let you know subtly, but don't get involved in a love
triangle, wait til she's broken up or find someone else. If she's
married, find someone else.
Rule #2: Be confident. This
cannot be overstated. Forget about the movies where the girl is
attracted to the guy because he's cute as he's tripping over his words;
girl's flee this scene in reality. A girl wants to feel comfortable and
she will not have an issue with you approaching her if you know what
you're doing. So what are you doing? You're talking to her and showing
her that you're interested in her. Find a way to ease into a natural
conversation. Guys mess this up by getting nervous and trying to be
funny, but it's more about not saying anything that will ruin your
chances than saying the perfect thing that is going to win her affection
on the spot. Just relax, her affection can't be won there, it takes
time and chemistry.
Rule #3: Be yourself. Don't lie. If
you're trying to pursue a relationship with this girl, all truths will
be exposed sooner or later. It is also not good for your confidence to
know that you have to be untruthful about yourself to have a chance with
a girl. Know who is in your league, and don't take it personally if you
try to go for a girl who is out of your league and she rejects you. You
have to take the shot before you can make the shot so give yourself
credit for trying, but be graceful in rejection. This will win you
points and may even get you a second look at some point down the road.
Keep her engaged. This is the hardest one because it takes a bit of the
intangibles like charisma and charm, but with practice these can be
developed. Girls have amazing ADD when you're pursuing them. A
split-second gap in conversation and they are checking their iPhones or
making their way to the bathroom. You don't have to keep her enthralled
all night straight but strive for solid 10 minute conversations where
the two of you are making consistent eye-contact and the conversation is
flowing. This will establish the rapport that you're trying to build.
After 10 minutes of good conversation it is safe to ask for her number
if the situation dictates it and she will give it to you if you've
Rule #5: Don't double-text. You've got her
number and sent her a text. If she's interested she will return it. Pay
attention to the duration between her receiving and returning your
texts. If she waits an hour, don't return fire immediately, wait a bit
depending on her message. You may think she likes you, but girls use
text-etiquette as a filter, so don't blow it by getting desperate and
sending her a text asking why she hasn't responded when you thought you
had a really good time together. Well formed voicemails or phone calls
keeping in mind the above rules can also be a good idea, but let her
dictate communication frequency. You can't force anything here and you
will ruin your chances if you try.
Rule #6: Decrease your
chances of rejection. When securing a date, whether its your first,
second or whatever make sure she is available to go out before you ask.
Otherwise after one or two rejections, both sides may start to feel like
its not meant to be, and the relationship can die on the vine. To
eliminate external factors from the equation make sure scheduling issues
do not play into her decision whether to go out with you again or not.
If you've done all this and it's still like pulling teeth to get her to
go out with you, stop pursuing. This may actually shift the dynamics in
your favor and make her interested in you again. It has happened to me
for sure. If it doesn't, let her go and find another girl.
It ultimately comes down to compatibility. Be honest about your
feelings and don't force something that's not there or you'll pay the
price later. Heartbreak is tough and constant communication is important
so both parties can know if the relationship is working or not working.